CO-PARENTING RULES FOR SEPARATED OR DIVORCED PARENTS

Whilst people may become ex-spouses or ex-partners when they separate, they do not become ex-parents. They need to try to become co-parents and get along better than when they were married or when they  lived together.
As parents you share responsibility for your child. You have a duty to talk to each other and make every effort to agree about how you will bring your child up. Even when you separate, this duty continues. You need each other to parent effectively. Co-operation, however difficult, is essential.

Here are some rules to remember:-

1.    Never say negative things about the other parent to the children or in front of the children.

2.    Never let your family, friends or others say negative things about the other parent to the children, or in front of the children. Be alert to the fact that children are sometimes listening to you on the phone and you may not be aware of that.

3.    Do not speak to each other in inflammatory ways either in person, by telephone or by text, and do not “wind” each other up deliberately. Provoking the other parent isn’t helpful. Again, children can be listening even if you’re not aware of this.  It can be useful to imagine your children in the room when you require to communicate with your ex. Some people have said that they have found it helpful to visualise their child’s face in front of them or visualise the child in the room.

4.    Exchange pleasantries in front of the children, no matter how difficult this may be for you, particularly at contact pick up and return times. It can help assure children that it is OK to spend time with both parents and to chat to either parent without upsetting the other.

5.    Never discuss disagreements or conflicts in front of the children.

6.    Agree a strategy or process for constructively discussing any issues which arise.

7.    Improve communication It is in the best interests of the children that you, as parents, can communicate effectively together.  Some suggestions are to set agreed times for communicating with each other, by telephone or in person, and avoid telephoning, texting, emailing etc at other times (unless there is an emergency or a real and genuine issue which requires to be dealt with immediately).  If you are going to meet up to discuss matters, try choosing a neutral venue, without the children being present. Or if that’s not possible, perhaps the parent who has the children during the agreed communication time could initiate the call. If you agree a time, stick to it – although please be mindful that events outwith your former partners control CAN happen! Answering machines, mobile phones, texting and voicemail may be helpful in communicating essential information.  Don’t message constantly though strike a balance.

8.    Share important information (such as medical information and school events) and agree common rules for bedtime, TV, discipline etc for your children. Online calendars to which both parents have access and can enter date and event information can help coordinate the arrangements for the children, and ensure there is less scope for confusion about who should be where and at what time. This can cut down on stress and ensure each party knows when they are shouldering the responsibility of the football run, swimming, gymnastics, parties etc.

9.    Attend events for your children together when possible. You do not have to be best friends, but your child will benefit from seeing his/her parents together behaving civilly to one another.

10.    Respect the other parent’s parenting style, even if this differs from you own.  Accept that if the other parent does things differently from you, this may not be exactly how you would like it done but it may just be “good enough”. Although one parent’s parenting style may be different, both parents should still agree common rules for bedtime, discipline etc as above.

11.    Make your children’s needs more important than your needs (for example, be flexible so as not to interfere with children’s school and social activities) and be willing to give up some of “your” time to make these things happen.

12.    Help your child understand Your child needs to understand what is happening to their family. It is your job as mum or dad to explain. Your child should not be made to blame himself or herself for the breakup. Don’t help your child turn against the other parent because they think that is what you want. You can help your child think about how he or she feels about the breakup. Listen to what your child has to say about how he or she is feeling, and about what he or she thinks of any arrangements that have to be made. Involve your child if they are old enough, but don’t place the burden of decision making on them – that is your job to decide with the other parent.

13.    Respect the other parent’s time with your children. Part of this is to always be on time and five minutes early if possible.  Never leave children on the doorstep.

14.    Any changes in the schedule must be discussed with the other parent first before informing the children.

15.    Do not place children in loyalty conflicts.

16.    Do not quote what children may have said to or about another parent.

17.    Do not accept what children say about the other parent as accurate without checking with the other parent.

18.    Do not let solicitors and courts make decisions about your children that you should make as parents.

19.    Take responsibility for following these rules even if the other parent does not.

20.    Move Forward. Leave the past behind.

A Christmas Crisis?

I love Christmas! The smell of newly fallen snow. Sparkly fairy lights everywhere. Carol singing on my doorstep. Children playing and laughing. Friends and family over for drinks and helping themselves to the plentiful, most delicious homemade fayre laid out beautifully on my table which has been lovingly decorated by angels sprinkling angel dust as they go……..

Ok, ok, that is how I often imagine Christmas! But in reality I don’t think I’ve ever had a Christmas like that – ever! Newly fallen snow means I can’t get the car out the drive, I’m late for wherever I have to be, I’m cranky and the kids are moaning as snow has got in their boots and made their tights wet. Children are usually squabbling over the remote control or which game to play next or who has eaten the last chocolate decoration from the tree without asking. My delicious homemade spread is quite possibly a selection of party offers from Iceland (or the local petrol station) and the angel dust is really just dust as I’ve not had time to clean the house as I’ve been too busy shopping, buying presents, writing Christmas cards and ferrying kids to social event after social event whilst at the same time trying to keep on top of homework, housework and an ironing mountain rivalling the size of Ben Nevis!

So is it any wonder that Christmas is one of the most stressful times of the year for couples where even the strongest of relationships can experience difficulties? If you add in overspending on Christmas presents, general financial strain, unrealistic expectations of the perfect Christmas and bad weather, not to mention over indulgence in food and alcohol then Christmas may not be so merry for some couples after all. That doesn’t even include the slaving in the kitchen whilst others chillax with a sherry or two (or 3,4,5,6,7…..), the lack of time for each other as you’re too busy or just exhausted – and probably best not to mention the arrival of the in-laws!

But, if after all the excitement (or stress) of the day is over, you still feel that there is more substance to the arguments than just Christmas, you may decide to turn your attention to legal advice in the New Year. Statistically, more couples separate in January than any other time of the year. Its really important to get good quality advice from specialist family lawyers if you are thinking of separating, or even if you just want to find out what your options are in the event that your marriage or cohabitation ultimately does go down the separation route. That’s where we come in. Get clear and concise advice before you rush into anything. You might want to consider relationship advice or counselling first. You might think mediation or collaborative law would be the best option for you, and then there’s arbitration to consider too. More information on the possible methods to resolve your family issues can be found on theRIGHTKINDOFDIVORCE.com.

Hopefully you won’t need our services, but if you do, we’re back after the holidays from Friday 3rd January 2014 at 10am. Despite the above, Christmas for many is a wonderful time of the year and from all the staff at MTM Family Law Specialists Glasgow, Merry Christmas and best wishes for 2014.

Cheap divorce in Glasgow?

A friend at the school gates the other day asked me “Where can I get a cheap divorce in Glasgow?”.  The other mum within earshot replied “Surely that is a contradiction in terms?!”  In actual fact sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t………it all depends on circumstances.  It also seems to me to be dangerous to start out making price your only criteria.  I am thinking of getting laser eye surgery (too many years of head stuck in the law books!), but I wouldn’t let someone near my eyes on the basis that they were the cheapest.  I would want to know their reputation, how many successful procedures they had carried out, whether their indemnity insurance was up to date and so on.  In my view so should it be when getting a divorce.  You might be lucky; your circumstances might be such that you can use the simplified procedure (do it yourself divorce), only cost the court fees and about £50 to have a notary swear the contents of your form.  On the other hand you might find that there are complicated issues in your case, sometimes ones which you don’t even recognise.  You might have inherited money that you spent on an extension to your house.  You might be employed in your husband’s business.  You might have owned property prior to marriage.  If such issues (or many more) arise you might want to be in the hands of the equivalent of the best laser eye surgeon, rather than the cheapest.  So my answer to the question, “Give me a call and I can talk it through with you and put you on to the best path for you, which might even be the cheapest.”  I am always available to have such a chat, whether I know you or not!